Tonight I was lucky enough to catch up with an old friend. It's rare when you can meet someone, hit it off so well, have spotty contact for years, yet still pick up right where you left off. I love this gal, and I admire her in so many respects.
Tonight we were trading parenting frustrations. And we were talking about how we miss our 'used to be' life. I love my kids, even when I want to lock myself in the bathroom and flush myself down the toilet to escape, and I love my life. If I could do it all over again, I really don't think I'd change a thing.
But I really, really miss my old life some days. Freedom! Only being responsible for myself! Having furniture not covered in Cheetos dust and macaroni and cheese smears! Not stepping on Thomas the Train in the middle of the night and biting my lip to keep from saying something that my kids are sure to repeat from subconscious recognition as soon as we walk into my Mom's house or the nearest church! Traveling! Reading a book without having to sacrifice sleep! Getting through a store - any store - without having to say 'hands to yourself', 'no you can't eat that', or 'because I said no' six hundred times. Not having to worry about behavioral issues, sensory processing disorders, or being a good example.
The trade off to that isn't worth it. No sweet good night kisses, no sleepy little snuggles, no one thinking that I know everything (I give another two years before they figure that's not true) and that I can fix anything. No silly songs, no funny faces, no overwhelming, completely encompassing, unconditional love. No being able to tease them out of a bad mood, no laughing at the things they come up with, no color/paint/play dough partners. No, I wouldn't trade it for anything, not even a perma-clean house. Well...let me think about that...nah - not worth it.
Another friend of mine told me once that I shouldn't apologize to my kids. I don't buy that. How am I going to teach them to accept responsibility for their actions if I don't model it? I know that hearing my parents sincerely apologize to me about certain things has made a huge difference in my life, so why wouldn't I want to pass that along?
This all leads me to wonder - are the parents that I've seen out there who seem perfect really perfect? I admire the moms I know that approach parenting with a calmness I have to force myself to practice. I've learned a lot from them just by watching them interact with their kids. Are my kids going to look back in 20+ years and realize that I did the best I could? Is it going to be good enough? I dunno.
1 comment:
i think being able to apologize to our children when it is warranted is so important. like you said, how will they learn to be able to say "i'm sorry" if it isn't modeled for them. we all know people who can't utter those 2 so-important words and they struggle through their lives with feeling entitled and proud while the rest of the world thinks they are complete and utter jerks. you are a wonderful mom brooke, and i think your kids will be able to look back at your blogs and see how much time and energy you put into reflecting on your parenting and on them and they will know you loved them more than they could imagine and tried the very best that you could :)
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