Workout Wednesday

Fair warning: this isn't going to be one of my light(er)hearted posts.

Yesterday, S was napping and I was piddling around, oddly energized from an exhausting second go at plyometrics. I don't even know what channel the TV was on, I had changed it from children's programming to anything else for background noise.

A show called "Ruby" was on. Apparently it's a reality show about a woman who used to weigh over 700 pounds. She's now around 300. This woman is stunning. Well spoken, intelligent, funny...or maybe she's just well edited. I prefer to think that's not it.

She said something that made me stop in my tracks. Something to the effect of this: when she was at her largest, she would look in the mirror but not see her reflection to be as large as she actually was.

Yes. Exactly. Amen. Guilty.

At my largest, which was very, very large, I did not see the me in the mirror that other people would see when they looked at me. I lied to myself...constantly. I could still get into pants that were ___ size, so it couldn't really be that bad, could it?!?

It could, and oh my gosh, it was. It so was.

I was a master at looking at my reflection without actually seeing it. I would focus on a part, never the whole picture, never seeing what was actually reflected in the mirror.

Here's the odd thing: through it all, I really did like myself. My out of control eating wasn't because I didn't love or like myself. It was, as I finally, finally realized, a way to make sure anyone that was around me was there for the real me. A test to see if they could see through the weight and see the real me in the self imposed fat suit.

At the same time, being called out as being fat terrified me. Going to the doctor? There was nothing I was more afraid of. Flying? Oh my goodness. I love to fly. I hate to sit in an airplane seat. I hated the looks that I got from other passengers. I hated facing the reality that I might not fit in the seat or be able to buckle the belt. It was humiliating.

I hated being the 'fat friend'. Most of all? I hated not having the courage to shed the defense of fat and face life as a non fat person. Fat was comfortable. Fat was known. But fat? Fat was going to kill me one way or another.

So this week's workout post is about me being real and seeing that girl in the mirror. That girl that has worked hard for over a year and can see some progress, even though the me I see in the mirror now is the me I saw in the mirror then. Only this time? It's the real me. Finally. This post is also about me deciding not to hide behind the fat anymore. I know that I'm probably going to end up with some seriously altered relationships in the long run, but I'm okay with that. I'm a big girl (pun intended) and I can handle it.

Thanks for reading this. ::sliding my soap box back under the sink::