Monday, September 13, 2010

Jet fuel, an issue of who's right, and how to tell if I'm drunk

I'm struggling with trying to finish my post from yesterday. Everything is coming out flat and boring and very, very ordinary. Fine if you are updating your relatives at a reunion on what you've been doing for the last half a decade or so, not so great if you are trying to engage readers and encourage more readership. this blog...she's perfectly ordinary and an average writer. Woohoo!

So I'm taking a break from working on that post after erasing the equivalent of three or four perfectly average blog entries to try and string together some randomness for this entry that will hopefully be witty and entertaining.

First, and I've been meaning to say this for a couple weeks, over Labor Day weekend, R and I went to Target and as we were walking towards the checkout, I see Listerine mouthwash on sale. Excellent! I had just run out of mouthwash. Let's buy some! It whitens! It brightens! It kills germs! It's almost as good as flossing! Use it, and all your dental issues are over! Not to mention it kills the germs that cause bad breath and it's in a pretty purple bottle. Sold!

And then? I tried it. It's like swishing around jet fuel. WTH? Did I burn my mouth on something and not realize it? Listerine can be hard to swish around for the full minute, but I can almost always make it happen. But this stuff? I didn't make it 20 seconds before I spit it out and rinsed my mouth with water. And then I went downstairs and got something to drink and eat to try and soothe the burning, dissolving flesh that used to be my mouth.

Determined not to be a total wimp, I gave my mouth a few days to heal and tried again. I definitely hadn't burned my mouth on anything lately, but swishing that acid around my mouth sure made it feel like I had. Trying to suck it up and make it for the full minute, I decided to read the label to distract myself.


Do not rinse your mouth out afterwards. Ooops.


Do not eat or drink for at least 30 minutes afterwards. Double oops.

Also? Owwowowowwwwww.

And I spit out the jet fuel disguised as mouthwash into the sink. Guess I'll go back to regular old Listerine and keep the soft tissue and my teeth and my gums. I think it's worth the trade off.

Secondly, we grounded T from his Wii for eight days. He adjusted better to it than I did. So I'm not going to lie, I was delighted that it got hooked back up today. And the darndest thing happened, he played it a bit, but didn't obsess over it.

So, fine. He was obsessing. R, you were right and blah blah blah. I'm putting it in writing and publishing it on the blog. Mark this day down, my friend. I'm not sure when or if I'll admit how right you can be again. Just sayin'...

Third. Friday night I was invited to a Pampered Chef party, and I actually went. Progress for me! Afterward, some of us went out for a 'quick' drink. Only, when we ordered the grande margaritas? Ummm....we didn't expect a bucket of margarita each. No one finished theirs. I think I drank the most -- and no I wasn't driving -- and I didn't even get half down. Not that it wasn't delish, because it so was.

The housing area we live in is on base land, but not on the base itself. It's gated, but the gates are rarely closed. Since I wasn't expecting to be out late, and since the gate is rarely closed, I didn't even consider taking my gate card. When my ride brought me home, of course the gate was closed. Of course.

I tried our assigned code, but of course it didn't work. It never has. So we tried to use the directory to call R and ask him to let us in. Only the number dialed "could not be completed as dialed". Of course. We tried a couple other options and called a few houses by mistake (I'm so very, very, very sorry!!!) before I finally gave in and called R with my cell phone. And he had to come and get me at the gate. I felt like a teenager being busted breaking curfew.

I've been a bad, bad girl.

We got home and while I knew I was pretty toasted, it wasn't truly evident how toasted I was until I got up the next morning. Let me point out here that I've never been a heavy drinker and I have no idea what I was thinking by trying to drink a margarita that big. Oh, wait, I was thinking about all the thirsty children all over the world who don't have clean drinking water and what a shame it would be to waste this beautiful, delicious drink. Okay, okay, that's not true either. I obviously wasn't thinking anything rational.

I did escape a hangover, but I had put a load of clothes in the washer and forgotten to turn on the washer. I had started the dishwasher, but forgotten to put detergent in. How do I know this? Because none o' the dishes were clean even thought they had obviously been through the cycle. And the final evidence? I used that dang mouthwash when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I have no idea why I did that, other than my mouth probably had a serious case of the margarita funks.

And that, folks, concludes our blogging day. What have we learned? A purple bottle of Listerine mouthwash = bad, the hubolicious was right at least once this week, and attempting to drink a fishbowl's worth of margarita is generally a really bad idea.

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