Dilemmas...

I've had an opportunity come up and it's made me do some serious soul searching.

Last Friday, a friend of ours called wanting to know if I would be interested in a job that she just had come available. The job is with the tax center on base, and they would need me from March 15 to April 30. Well, you bet I was interested. Even though it's full time, it's for a short time period, so it's kind of the best of both worlds. All I needed to do on my end was arrange for childcare and wait to hear if there would be any issue with my replacing the guy that was leaving. Easy as pie, no?

No. The CDC has a huge waiting list (and I was really thinking I could get the kids in there no problem) and T and S are in the 50's on that list - and that's with bumped up status. The off base childcare options we checked into do not provide transportation to T's school and were so expensive I had to sit down when R told me. Of the family child care providers I talked to, there was no one that could keep both the kids that I felt would be a good fit. T and I had a bad experience with family child care when he was two and the fall out from that was such that it was a year before I even considered leaving him with anyone else. So, yes, I'm very picky. S is more adaptable, but I'm not willing to mess that aspect of her personality up. I mean, let's face it, with the recent issues she and I have had, why on earth would I want to do anything that might make that worse? The answer: there's no chance. N O N E none.

Where does that leave me? Conflicted and stressed. Part of me feels like if this were meant to be that it will all work out waaaay easier than it has, and all the stuff that's gone on since Friday has been a huge, blinking, neon sign saying "NOT MEANT TO BE". On Tuesday, after much soul searching and over analysis of possible outcomes and complications, I decide that the failure to find child care I was comfortable with was a deal breaker so I email the friend and let her know it wasn't going to work out.

A little bit about that: she works for a company that gets contracts to find employees for jobs. Technically, I guess that makes her a headhunter. The job was from January to the end of April. The guy they hired originally for this job is leaving because he found full time employment and they need him to start ASAP. So, how bad his THIS job that he's willing to break an employment contract to leave it? (I know, I know...I should have considered all these things PRIOR to telling her that I wanted to do this.) Surely he didn't interview for a job before getting this one and it took them that long to decide to hire him....so he's been actively looking and interviewing while on this job. If he's looking for full time employment, I can kind of understand that, but I am surprised that he's willing to walk off in the middle of a job. But he is, and here we are.

So I email her saying the childcare thing isn't working out, and I'm really sorry, but I can't take the job. I haven't signed a contract or anything yet. She responds by trying to help me find childcare, which is just awesome. I mean, she's really going out of her way to help. But then all the warning bells go off in my head...why?!!? When I went to a last minute interview with the office that was overseeing this position, my impressions were not favorable. The people were nice, don't get me wrong, but they only seem interested in getting a body in the chair. While that's great for me in a way, I can't ignore the desperation that's seemingly flying about. I do not want a high stress job. Do NOT. Nor do I want to walk into a disaster zone with the responsibility of fixing other people's mistakes that I'm now accountable for. Been there, done that. No thank you on the encore.

So I email her again today to say that the last of my child care leads have fizzled out. She calls me with the name and phone number of a lady that is interested in keeping the kids. So, the kids and I go and meet her. They love her. She's great with them, too. So why don't I feel any better about this? I go to yoga to meditate and mull this over.

I want to help our friend out. She's in a pickle and she's literally moving heaven and earth to help me make this happen,. This would be great to update my resume: a management position that has a limited time frame. But by the time I pay taxes and childcare, there won't be much left of my paycheck, and it's pretty clear I'm not nearly as career minded as I used to be. T is already reacting to the changes. That's not a good sign. While I don't want to let anyone down, my family comes first. Period. I started the training software tonight. Even if I don't take the job, I figure that knowing more about taxes and volunteer tax prep site management is a good thing. The job description via the training module is way more involved and detailed than I expected or was told. The first rule of working in the financial industry is that you don't mess up people's finances. Why do you think the suicide rate for fund managers/stockbrokers/etc is so high when the market tanks? Knowing I'm the go to person for every return filed through this office? YIKES! I'm not sure I want that responsibility. Scratch that, I know I don't...not with it not leading anywhere. I'm also not comfortable with the feeling that I'm the last resort and not a viable candidate for the job. Do I think I could perform the job well? Of course. So why do I not want to do it now?

I'm pretty happy with my life these days. I would be fine not working until the kids are both in school full time, if then. I honestly didn't realize that until this week. I said it, but wasn't sure if I really, truly meant it down deep inside. Turns out I do. T is making such amazing progress since we've been here. I'd regret it forever if putting him in full time daycare caused a setback or any regression. It's just not worth it. It's not even worth taking the chance.

I'm going to have to turn this job down. I hope that it doesn't ruin a friendship, and I hope that it doesn't blacklist me when and if I'm ready to start working again. I dread the conversation I'm going to have tomorrow, but it's not fair to drag it out.. I know that there was an issue filling the spot initially and that they have no more prospects for this job. But I can't accept that responsibility for our friend, as much as I'd like to help her. What a crappy situation and a hard decision. (Siiiiiiiigh)