Monday, March 29, 2010

Diet Diary Day - entry 4

Aaaarrggghhhhh.

I know that there are always going to be good days and bad days no matter is going on in life, and not necessarily just in my life. A lot of what seems good or bad depends more on perspective and attitude than the actual events.

The last two weeks have been rough on this household health wise. I ended up at a wellness clinic on Friday because I spent the entire week trying to beat what I thought was a common cold, but turned out to be a respiratory infection (which according the the nurse practitioner I saw is just a really bad cold so it wasn't that serious). I can say that even though I felt pretty lousy for a lot of the week I worked out anyway. Progress. And overall, I really did try to stick to my eating plan, even though I had pizza this week and cake for S's birthday which was a double whammy of white flour and sugar. I've added in some whole grains as well, which I can legitimately do as of Wednesday, but I just did it early. While I don't need pasta or bread every day, I was much more satisfied with my food intake with the whole grains added in. Unfortunately, I haven't lost any more weight, but I have lost some inches, because my clothes are getting looser by the week.

Mom and I had a talk last week and she asked me what the reason was behind my overeating. Do I tell her how I really feel or do I take my usual route and mix some truth in with some avoidance? I have no interest in conflict, I'm not interested in playing a blame game, and I realize that I'm responsible for all the food I put in my mouth, cause no one has been force feeding me all these years - that's for sure! I'm not looking to pass that onto anyone or anything else. So what is behind it? So many different things... I eat as a way to deal with or actually to avoid dealing with emotion, stress, fear...I use food as a wall and a shield. When I'm heavy, I feel like the people in my life are here because of the person I am inside. When I'm thinner, I'm less confident about that. There's a lot of back story there, but it's a pretty good summation. It's easier to eat than to deal with whatever's going on. Food doesn't judge but people? People definitely judge and most of them judge harshly.

So I decided that if I was going to change my lifestyle for the better, that included ending my avoidance of difficult conversations. I did better with the conversation with Mom than I expected, but the thing is that no matter how honest you are with someone, that doesn't mean they are ready to hear it or are really listening. Some things are just never going to be talked about in my family. It's just the way it is. I have mostly made my peace with that. I'm not sure it would actually solve anything anyway. It's not up to anyone else to change my life - it's up to me. And slowly, step by step, I'm getting there. I'm far from having all the answers - far, far, far from it, actually. But I'm also figuring out that maybe I don't have to have all the answers after all.

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