A weighty issue

Okay.

This is going to be a post about weight and exercise and blah blah blah with a side of yada yada yada.

Confession #1: I'm tired of being fat. Of course, I've been fat for a really long time. Off and on since my freshman year of high school for sure. The recent conversations about Kevin Smith being kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight made me cringe because as much as I love to fly and travel, that is one of my biggest fears. Being told publicly that I'm considered too fat to fly in just one seat would humiliate me (true as it may be) beyond any hope of my not bursting into tears and having an emotional meltdown on the spot. It hasn't happened yet, and I'm well underway of taking steps to make sure that it doesn't happen, but I have a feeling it will be a fear long after I'm at a healthier weight.

Confession #2: My dad has a sign in his service station that says "Fat people are harder to kidnap." Amen to that. I can understand why someone who has never struggled with weight - really, truly struggled with it - will say that fat people are lazy, unmotivated, lack willpower, etc. I understand when they say that eating less and exercising more will cause fatties to lose the extra weight and then everything will be just fine. I understand this, but I don't agree with it. BUT - I also don't believe that it's the fault of McDonald's or Hostess or Edy's that so much of America is overweight. It's my hand that's carried every single calorie, fat gram, and carbohydrate to my lips. I own that responsibility. Just me, myself, and I.

But sitting (or even walking) around lamenting about how I want to be thinner, healthier, more fit, or whatever isn't going to get the job done. I have to have a plan and a goal. Late last spring, I went to the Dr. for a sinus infection. The conversation that occurred during that little visit shocked me into action - finally. I won't bore you with the details, mainly because I'm still too humiliated just thinking about it and I'm trying really hard to focus on positive things. But let me assure you that conversation, no matter how much I probably needed to hear it, was at least as humiliating as being kicked off a plane for overhanging a seat.

So, I started going to an aerobics class four mornings a week in July. The kids were in a part day enrichment program, so it worked out beautifully for me to drop them off, go to class, get my errands done, and then pick them up. When they had a few weeks between sessions, I bit the bullet and hired a personal trainer to take me to the next level. She took me - sensibly - to the next three levels. This included five to six days of pretty intense cardio a week and weight training two to three times a week. My immediate goal was to get on the plane bringing us back to the States and be able to sit comfortably in the seat without having to struggle to fasten the seat belt. I'm very proud to say that not only could I easily fasten the seat belt, I could also tighten it a pretty decent amount. I was so happy! Goal achieved. So now what?

I still would like to lose anywhere from 80 to 100 more pounds. I had lost 60 pounds by late December, but I gained 10 between getting out of my exercise routine and not being cautious enough about what I ate and how much of it I ate. But we joined the Y at the end of January, and slowly but surely, the 10 I gained is coming back off. More importantly, so are the inches I re-expanded. It's a struggle every single day to make healthy food choices, practice proper portion control, and to exercise appropriately. I use food as an emotional crutch, a stress reliever, and an overall escape and I promise you there are days when I wish that there were a food pill I could take that would supply my nutrients and calories for the day so that I wouldn't have to struggle about what to eat and how much of it to eat. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen so I'm going to have to accept that I have to retrain the way I think, turn to, and deal with food. Hooray.

Still, I think it's important to recognize small victories like the fact that I bought Girl Scout Cookies and am able to just have one or two versus the entire box or the fact that for the last couple days when I've really had an urge to eat when I wasn't hungry I found something else do to instead. And, when I unpacked my clothes that I sent to storage before we left for Germany, almost all of them fit. And I hadn't been able to get into these clothes for years. Of course now they are completely out of style and I ended up donating most of them anyway, but it's a victory just the same. These are the things that are helping me change my lifestyle permanently rather than just focus on getting down to XXX number on the scale. Well, maybe XXX was a poor choice of letters... hahahahaaa. Sorry.

So as a part of holding myself accountable, I'm going to start tracking my progress with weekly entries on my blog. You don't have to read it, but I really think it will be a good motivation for me to think that you are. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.