Friday, February 17, 2012

Starting over

I am certain that I can safely say that one of my biggest struggles in life is finding balance.

Balance between having to eat to nourish my body but not over eating or using food as a way to deal with my emotions.

Balance between encouraging the kids to continue to develop their personalities but to be respectful, honest, and kind.

Balance between expecting the world to be fair and knowing that it just isn't.

Balance between taking care of myself first versus taking care of everyone else first.

I could go on and on.

Now there is a new issue that needs balance. And I, as usual, am struggling to find it.

My life seems to now be split into before and afters as well.

My life before having Chris and my life after giving him up for adoption.

An even further split - my life after the adoption but before being in touch with him.

And now the before and after since first contact.

And nothing is in balance anymore. Nothing.

Last week we talked, texted,and messaged so much. Practically constantly. I wanted to make up for lost time. I wanted to catch up on his day to day life. I wanted to figure out how and where we'd fit into each other's lives. I wanted him to know that I was here if he ever wanted or needed anything.

Instead, I'm pretty sure I've ruined it all. And I am unbearably, horribly, gut wrenchingly, unendingly sad that it looks like that's what happened.

I hope that this isn't the case, that maybe we could start over and try again.  I'd love to ask him about it, but I fear I've done enough damage that any attempt at repair right now is just going to do finish the destruction.

Since I first posted about him on my blog about a week ago, so many people have shared their adoption stories with me. Some are joyful, others are not. Thank all of you for sharing. Your stories touched me deeply.

My ending is yet to be determined, at least I hope so. I hope it's one of the good ones. We'll see.

In the meantime, all I can do is keep trying to find a new balance.

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