Yo, homie, smell ya later!

Tonight I was sitting here, staring at the computer trying to think of something funny or witty to write. I'm not feeling so much of the funny today, which is ironic since I've been laughing all day at silly things...like temper tantrums and spilled milk. Perhaps that's some odd form of trade off? Dunno.

I had to go to the bathroom, and as I walked across the family room I told R, "I'm just not feeling funny tonight."

Pause...2...3...4...

R: You feel funny?

Me: No, I don't feel funny.

R: What?

Me: Hang on a sec...

I walk into the half bath downstairs. WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot. Is that skunk I smell? UGH. Really? No way!

Let me interject here that I am paranoid about smells. We bought our van from another military family in Europe. That family had a dog. Apparently that dog was constantly wet and constantly in the van, because as I drove it back to our house after we bought it, the wet dog smell was so awful that in 20 degree weather, T and I had to roll the windows down in order to breathe. Did I mention that we had driven 3 hours to pick up said van? No? We had to drive three hours to pick up the van. And then drive three hours back while the tears running down our faces from the smell froze onto our windburned, chapped cheeks. Pleasant. And even now, three years later? You can still kinda smell dog when the weather is damp long enough.

So take my advice to heart...if you go to look at a used vehicle being sold by an individual and the doors are all open when you pull up to see it? Close the doors and wait a few. And then sniff deeply. Just sayin'...

What was my point? Oh, right. Smells.

I'm really freaky about smells. I worry constantly that I have bad breath and no one will tell me, I worry that my deodorant has worn off and I can't tell, I worry that I may smell in general and not realize it. This has been a worry of mine since I saw that news show (I think it was 48 Hours or Dateline) about the people that have the body odor that smells fishy and they can't smell it. I know, I know...I need to get a grip.

But as I'm in the bathroom thinking that I smell skunk, this is how my thought process works: (sniff) Is that skunk? What could smell like skunk here besides skunk? What if it's me? Oooh - maybe those other people smelled fishy, what if I smell like skunk and don't know it. And if it is me, why am I smelling it now and not before now? It can't be me, I smelled it in the bathroom as I walked in, not after I closed the door. But if it's skunk, how did the smell get in here and not the rest of the house? What if it's a sewer problem? What if there's a skunk trapped in our water supply and the smell is actually coming from the water? No, it's not the water. It just smells like skunk...

Me: Hey, R?

R: Yeah?

Me: Could I ask you a favor?

R: Yeah, what is it?

Me: Will you go outside and see if it smells like skunk?

R: Ummm...yes?

Me: I smell skunk and I don't know where it's coming from.

R: Okay, I'll check. <---this is a good man, people.

The front door opens. R walks out.

R walks back in.

Me: Well?

R: Maybe. A little.

Have I mentioned before that R doesn't have a great sense of smell? This is great when I ask him to go smell for something gross, because smells I think are gross don't usually bother him. The downside is that he doesn't always pick it up, so then I go and breathe deeply and get a head full of gross smell. You'd think I'd learn, but alas....

Case in point...

Since I'm finished in the bathroom, I walk outside. I do smell skunk, but it's more faint than in the bathroom. Weird. But then this huge spider catches my eye.

Me: Wow. That is a huge spider.

R: (glancing over) yeah, but it's dead.

Me: Bet the smell killed it.

R: Well, at least you have something to blog about now.

Me: True. I'm going to take a picture of the spider the skunk smell killed.

R: Ooooh-kay

So here you go...this spider is quite large and quite dead. Thank goodness (for the dead part, not the large part.)

For some reason, after I was outside the front door smelling for skunks, I decided to stick my head out the back door to have a good sniff. The good news? No huge spiders. The bad news? The skunk smell was much stronger.

I say as much, and R just looks at me - probably not sure if I'm expecting him to go out there and smell too. I don't say anything else, I just head to the kitchen to get something to drink. And then it hits me. Our bedroom window faces the back and it's been open all day.

As I start to say as much to R, I realize he's gone outside to smell for skunks. Awww!

He comes back in and shrugs. Smells fine to him out there.

I'm starting to get concerned that perhaps I really do have some sort of odor and don't realize it, because Lord knows I don't think R is going to pick up on it. Which, actually, could be good or bad. Hmmmm.

I run upstairs to close the window and spray air freshener all over the place....just in case. Obviously, R and I are going to have trouble detecting foul odors so prevention is the best cure, no?

And I mean, really, if the smell was strong enough to kill the spider......