It's Zumba class sweetie, not Showgirls.

First let me say that I personally do not know any one that I'm fixin' to talk about in this post. If by the off chance one of said people stumbles across this blog entry and figures out who I am and who they are, I apologize if I hurt your feelings but I'm just calling it like I see it.

With that said: OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

I was about five minutes late to Zumba tonight because it took me 15 minutes instead of the normal 10 minutes to sign the kids up for Parent's Night Out. But that's another story entirely and I don't want to lose focus.

So, I jogged up the stairs and trotted to the aerobics room. The parking lot had been so full that I was surprised to see room in class. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? Normally I get my groove going on the right side of the room somewhere in the middle-ish. But a bunch of others were already there, so I stood in the middle of the room but on the back row.

The first thing I noticed was a really, really energetic girl on the front row bouncing around like we were in a reduced gravity situation. Moon boots? Springs on shoes? Nope, nothing I could see. Maybe just a Red Bull or two and a pack of M&M's.... Possibly some Meth, but that's a little judge-y. I shall call her Tiggerette.

The second thing I noticed was the girl behind Tiggerette. Whoa! That's some tan there blondie. I hope it's mystic or you are going to look like Donatella Versace by the time you're 30. Also? Those shorts are really, really short. Which normally wouldn't have even gotten my attention but she was about 3 inches away from doing the splits. Which normally would impress me since even at my most flexible, I've never been able to do a split. But I noticed because we were in the middle of a routine that had nothing to do with splits. Also? This is not So You Think You Can Dance? or Fame or an MTV reality series audition. So what the heck are you doing?! You're going to trip and potentially maim one of of the more mature white people. Maybe even cause the breakage of a hip! I shall call her....Bootylicious.

Class continues and I am amused by Tiggerette and Bootylicious. They are cute as can be and really good dancers, but I can't get over their improv, hair whipping (Willow Smith would be proud!), and whatever that thing was they were doing with their asses. There's no real way I can describe it effectively, but let me just sum it up by saying it reminded me of a cross between a stripper pole demo (minus the pole) and a re-enactment from the movie Showgirls. Ummhmmm. It was like that. And they kept hugging. Ooooo-kay, then.

And then I noticed this poor little guy to the left of me. He was getting frustrated about 15 minutes into class and as I was sending him mental Kudos for sticking it out, I noticed Bootylicious was....um....focusing?!?!? on him in between songs.

Interesting. She was shaking her boobs and ass in his general direction throughout class and about halfway through the class, he started rolling his eyes at her. Awww...it's the mating ritual of the American teenager! Man, has THAT changed since I was that age.

I don't really think I get it. Aren't they supposed to be texting and Skyping? Why Zumba class? Does she want him to be her dance partner or something? Inquiring minds want to know! 45 minutes into class, Booty takes down her hair and she, Tiggerette, and a third friend I hadn't really noticed before now start flipping their hair around. Which I found absolutely hilarious because that takes a deeper level of dedication than I'm apparently capable of. I just want to get through Zumba while doing the steps as correctly as possible and burning the maximum number of calories possible. It never occurred to me to use it as a dating tool.

Obviously, I'm totally out of touch with teenagers these days.

Obviously.