We stayed so busy while we were out of town at the beginning of June that I spent very little time on the computer, and have to say I really enjoyed being unplugged. Unfortunately, that also meant that my blogging became really sporadic, but my stats show that my numbers have been falling pretty seriously anyway over the last few months and I'm kinda tired of fighting to keep them up. The word that can best describe me these days is without a doubt this one: exhausted.
I Zumba'd my a$$ off in North Carolina, lost about 5 to 10 pounds (depending on the scale I used) while I was there, only to come back to Illinois and be attacked by some freaky form of chronic tiredness. I truly think it's our mattress. I slept SO well at Dad's and I sleep so unwell here. And when I'm tired, I'm cranky. Okay, fine, I'm crankier than normal.
I was feeling really good about finally, FINALLY getting below a certain weight that I've been battling for a freakin' year. It's been an epic battle. Epic. So I'm not really sure whats happening this week. Even when I go to the gym, I have really just been half assing it, and I haven't managed to drag myself to a single Zumba class this week. I'm just too dang tired. At least my eating has been under control, I give partial credit on that to my dad and his amazing success. It's completely, totally motivating to see him looking so good! (Apparently not motivating enough to get my butt into the gym with purpose, but still....)
Wednesday night, I had a ticket to the Poison/Motley Crue concert in St. Louis with some friends. Yeah, yeah, I don't really strike people as a 80's hair band/heavy metal band fan. That became pretty apparent when we got to the concert and I felt like I needed more tattoos, LOTS more hairspray, a few packs of cigarettes (no I don't smoke), a fifth of some kind of dark liquor, and heels about five inches higher to even think about blending in. What was I wearing? A pair of non ripped, dark wash jeans and a v-necked t-shirt. Yet I still managed to look like a narc in that crowd. A frumpy, lumpy, sloppy narc as it turns out.
I also forgot my camera so Tascha took all the pictures. She posted them to Facebook last night and I gotta be honest, I was unpleasantly stunned to see what I looked like in them. I had seen them after she took them on her camera, but seeing them computer screen sized versus digital camera sized was a bit (a lot) of a rude awakening. I will not be wearing those jeans again in public - like, ever.
Think I'm over reacting? Here's the pic to support my decision:
Go ahead, click on it to enlarge it and get a bigger look at the size of my bottom half. WARNING!!!! Only do this if you are very, very brave. And if you haven't just eaten. This could, indeed, be the worst angle ever, but I cannot stop staring at how huge my hip/thigh area appears. I'm completely appalled that not only was I walking around in such ill fitting clothes, but that when I looked in the mirror before I left, I thought I actually looked good. It's time for the perception versus reality talk again.
Here's a picture taken before we left for the concert that looks more like what I saw in the mirror before I left:
I certainly don't think I look small in this picture (because I'm still not a small girl), but this picture doesn't make me want to dive back into bed and pull the covers over my head, and hide at the horror of having to appear in public this way. The picture above this one? Totally makes me want to do that. UGH!
I think I'm going to have to admit that my mother and Tascha (my friend in the picture) are right. My clothes are too big and those too big clothes are just making me look even bigger than I am. Like life isn't cruel enough reflected in full length photos.
Blah, blah, blah.