Theory of strife

(Meant to be posted on 3/4/2011)

I'm noticing a trend of increased, consistent business for this family. I wasn't expecting to be so...scheduled until the kids were in middle school or later. Just goes to show you what I know, right? I feel like I'm still on the laid back German pace of life versus the standard frantic American pace. And I'm sorely out of place. T gets home from school at 3 or so, and we had something to do three nights this week, so last night, the kids were showing some obvious wear and tear. Not that they were showing it by sleeping late.

When T got off the bus yesterday, I had about 20 minutes before we needed to get back in the car to take the kids to their bible study class. T got off the bus in a less than stellar mood, which has been pretty common for him this week. We've tried to get him to talk about what's going on, but have had no success. When I dropped him off, he was less than thrilled to be there, but seemed okay to stay. R picked the kids up and we ate dinner soon after they got home, so I was surprised that T wanted to lie down on the couch right after dinner and homework. I went upstairs to check on S, who was in the tub, and when I came down about 5 minutes later, he was asleep. 

R's been saying all week that T is simply exhausted, but T keeps waking up at 5 am on his own. I'm not sure what's going on with that, but I was glad to see him sleeping. The kid was out cold, too. R carried him up to bed and a couple hours later, T comes flying down the stairs, all frantic and clinging to me. I walk him back up to his bedroom and he keeps mumbling about how he doesn't want me to leave him behind. What? I'm right here.

It finally hits me - he's not really awake. I just sit with him and talk about nothing until he settles back down into a deeper sleep. I'm thinking all those times when he was little and I needed him to come on already that pretending like I'd leave without him was probably not a good idea. Sigh. Oh, the ways to feel guilty about your parenting are endless. Endless, I tell you. As are the the mistakes you realize you've made....after the fact.

The next morning he was still in a pissy mood. Really? Even after a good, long night's sleep? Drat. One of his bottom teeth was loose and it was bugging him. He'd been talking about it for a couple days, especially when he was eating something. So he asks for cereal and a few minutes later he asks for a paper towel. I'm unloading the dishwasher so I don't think much about it. Well, that's not true. I thought YAY! He's going to mop up the milk he spilled without being asked. SCORE!

Fast forward ten seconds and he shouts, "MOM! My tooth came out!"

So that's what the paper towel was for. Pulling out his tooth. I admire his tenacity.

We get him cleaned up (the tooth wasn't nearly as ready to come out as T was for it to come out) and he finishes his breakfast.

And I swear-it's like the personality fairy brought T's missing one back because he was back to being the T I'm used to - thank the holy heavens.

Next week is almost as busy as this one. This weekend is crazy busy. I guess I'll test my theory in real time.

Pray for me.

Bloggy hopes and bloggy dreams

(Originally from March 3, 2011)
I started blogging while we were in Germany for several reasons - I needed to do something to feel...connected to the outside world. The first year we were there, I really struggled with feeling isolated. I hadn't realized prior to that how rare it was to find true friends, good friends. I also hadn't realized how much it would bother me to feel like so many of those connections were being lost. I was that easily forgettable? Ouch! That stung, believe you me.

I also wanted a way to tell people what was going on without feeling like I was pestering them with phone calls or emails. Well, okay, maybe not phone calls. Between my dialing issues and the time difference, it was hard to connect by phone. Plus, until we decided to Vonage it up, we were at the mercy of international phone rates. The cost to us wasn't too bad, but calling Germany from the US? Pretty expensive.

So the blog started out mostly for friends and family. I hoped that my stellar storytelling and rock star kids would attract attention (from whom, I'm still not sure..._), they'd ask me to write a book or a regular column somewhere, and I could turn my nicey nice online family life stories into a paying job.

Ah, the power of the naive mind.

BUT- to those of you that have been with me from the start - which does not, by the way, include my mother (she read my blog until the Christmas letter snarkfest and I don't think she's been back since then) - I am tearfully grateful. Grateful that you read, that you come back, that I can make you laugh. That you care enough to take time out of your life to read about mine. It's humbling. Thank you.

But as time passed, I realized that if I was going to get my blog out there to the masses, I was going to have to self promote. UGH. Not really on my agenda. I halfheartedly stuck my blog on a couple of blog sites, but I enjoyed finding other blogs way more than trying to push mine.

So now I've got this nice list of blogs that I follow and read faithfully. These bloggers are talented. All of them. It's intimidating, but in a good way.

I realized though - I'm not the least bit sure about blogger ettiquitte. Is it silly of me to want my followers to actually read my blog and not just follow me because they want me to follow them? If they follow me am I then required to follow them, even if their blog isn't my cup'o'tea? I don't do advertising, I don't do giveaways and I have no plans to change that at this point. Is that blogger suicide?

But in reading some of the blogs out there, I have to get this off my chest and request your help. If ever my blog comes across like a whiney, complainey, I'm-never-happy-with-anything-and-no-one-can-do-anything-right-but-me blog, will someone PLEASE smack me right across my face - virtual or otherwise. I do NOT want to be that blogger. Do not, do not, do not. I've got no problem with venting or complaining, and lord knows I do it plenty. It's good to get things off your chest! But if that's all you've got? Unhappiness and misery and a general dissatisfaction with everyone and everything around you? I can't do that. It just sucks up all my energy. And I need to keep all of the energy I've got, frankly.

And finally - can some one tell me why everything turns into a form of high school cliquey-ness? Even 20 years out?

Posting

I've got five or six posts started, but my laptop has decided to keep shutting down randomly after making a horrible noise. If this were my car, I'd just turn the music up, but that does no good when said music is also on your computer and stops when the computer takes a power nap - usually in the midst of posting something important. Like a blog entry. Or  a status update. Or finishing our taxes. Or, you know, crops on Frontierville.

Posts coming soon!

Reaping what I've sewn

My smart-ass-i-ness has come back to bite me. Smack dab in my own smart ass.

Tuesday, T was sick and home from school. We spent a good amount of time looking for his DSi that morning, but had no luck finding it.

I tried getting him to retrace his steps the last time he had it, but I wasn't exactly sure when that was, and he was full of 'I don't know's'.

Eventually, I figured it would be worth driving to base and seeing if the DSi was in R's car, which was pretty much the only place we hadn't looked.

After we picked up S from preschool, we were headed to base. T asked if we could stop at Wendy's and get a milkshake.

Since we hadn't had lunch yet, I hate the Wendy's closest to our house, and the fact that we had ice cream in the freezer at home, I said no. I did not, however, mention any of the above reasons, which threw T into a pretty fierce pout-titude.

Right as we were approaching the base gate, T said something fairly hateful to me, and then tried to pass it off like he was saying it to S.

Like that makes it better. ::rolling my eyes::

Tired of the whining and attitude and also the phrase, "This is BORING", I summon all my mommy wisdom ::snort:: and snark:

"You're welcome, T. You are welcome that I'm willing to go all. the. way. to base to search through Dad's car to try and find your DSi - which you are supposed to be keeping track of. You're welcome that I'm willing to risk being questioned by security forces when they see me going through a car in a parking lot. You are welcome that even though it's your responsibility to keep up with your things, I'm helping you look for your DSi. Again. You are welcome, welcome, welcome for all the things I do for you."

Apparently, T was in no mood for my brand of snark because this is how he replied:

Congratulations, Mom. Congratulations to YOU for being willing to do what most moms do. Help their kids. Congratulations, your majesty. What WOULD I do without you?

Ahhahahhaahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

I probably shouldn't think that's funny, and I know I shouldn't have burst out laughing, but honestly? If he hears me speaking like that to others, then what do I expect?

Still, it's important that even though he has sarcasm nailed down, that he realizes when to use it appropriately.

And as soon as I learn that myself, I'll pass it right along.

Workout Wednesday

I've been trying to figure out what to write for this post all day. The highlights of my workout week seem like a reasonable place to start, right?

Sunday I actually ran at 6 mph for a minute, and I'm not sure if I've ever done that. I am notoriously slow. I can jog now for two to three minutes at a time without gasping for air at the end. On Wednesday nights when we have basketball practice, I'm able to run around with the kids without getting winded. It's starting to make me think I should play more basketball, except I have no talent and can't shoot for crap. That, of course, just leaves running so I'm back to square one. 

On the Arc trainer today, I went almost twice as far in the same amount of time that I did three months ago. And while I was working hard, I wasn't heaving or gasping for air. I did the cardio fit test on the elliptical last week and am still making good progress. I really think starting to get to Zumba a couple times a week is really making the difference.

Speaking of which, I signed up for a Zumba-thon on the 12th. I'm going to try and do all three hours. I'm so excited and it's keeping me motivated cardio wise because I don't want to drop from exhaustion. I also don't want to have to slack off. But three hours is a LOT of Zumba - especially if Misti is leading the Zumba-thon.

R completed his first triathlon last week - it was a mini triathlon that involves an 8 lap (quarter of a mile) swim, 8 miles on a spin bike, and then a 2.5 mile run on the treadmill. My goal is to be able to do Christmas mini triathlon with him this year and to jog the entire 2.5 mile part. My training starts immediately.

Something really interesting is happening though. The more I concentrate on the proper form and breathing when I'm trogging, the easier the actual running part is becoming. I realized while I was doing YogaX (ironically) that part of the trouble I've had with trogging/running is that I'm not breathing correctly. When I start to get out of breath, I tend to breathe more and more shallowly because I hate to breathe heavily. We can chalk that up to some serious bullying about the way I used to breathe in PE when I was younger. And to be fair, both kids inherited my crappy breathing habits. Sorry kids! It's definitely a learning process, but hey - at least it's a process now instead of a pipe dream.

Also, and I'm throwing this in because if I write down and publish I'm going to do it, then I'll actually do it - I'm starting the Fat Smash Detox as of right now. I weighed this morning and the results were horrifying. So for each post I manage to complete in the next 10 days (and heads up, some of them may be a smidge grouchy) I'm going to update my progress on the detox. Water, veggies, fruit, yogurt, and some brown rice. That's my entire menu for the next 10 days. But I've got to get rid of these junk food cravings. I don't feel as well when I eat crap, but I crave it. So it's time to stop it. Last time I actually did the detox, I lost 10 lbs in a little over a week and by day three or four, all my cravings for 'bad' foods was completely gone. I'm way more interested in beating my bad eating habits into oblivion than I am about losing 10 lbs in a week. Although - I'm not gonna lie. I'll take a ten pound loss cheerfully. With a side of dancing. Stay tuned. I'll try really hard not to obsess.

I never thought about it that way....

A couple of months ago, there was a knock on our front door.

Our neighbor across the street wanted to talk to me about the school bus that picks up his son, who is confined to a wheelchair. I have seen his son plenty of times, and while I'm not sure of his age or how severe his disabilities are (they look to be pretty serious), he always has a grin for you when you say hello. T is mesmerized by his wheelchair, which is seriously cool.

Anyway, the gist of the conversation was about the fact that people are passing the bus that picks up his son, even while his son is being loaded. Our neighbor came over to let me know that morning I had passed the bus during the loading process. I had to think for a second before I realized that I had, indeed, seen the bus sitting there when I left the house that morning. 

I didn't do it purposefully or with any sort of intent (Hey! There's a school bus sitting there - I'm going to pass it for FUN!! Muahhahaaa!) The bus parks there for between 7-15 minutes in the morning. The bus driver doesn't have the flashing red lights on or the stop sign or arm extended the entire time. Sometimes not at all. I'm so used to seeing the bus there waiting, in fact, that I had (at that point) stopped thinking about it as a school bus and saw it mostly as another parked vehicle in front of their house. There is no excuse for that. None.

I was so mortified when I realized that I had done that, that I burst into tears. I was plenty upset that I drove past the bus, but even more so that I was so absorbed in getting the kids out the door and to school that I took that kind of risk - and it didn't even register until our neighbor came over. That kind of carelessness is what lays a slippery foundation for a tragedy that can't be undone.

I'll skip the deets about part where he passes on thinly veiled threats about turning me in and having us kicked out of housing and how karma is a bitch and so forth.  Because, honestly, I totally understand his point of view.

But something besides my carelessness was really nagging at me about this and I eventually realized that I'm pretty sure that there were no warning or stop lights flashing when I left that morning. I remembered seeing someone in the driveway, but the nurse aid shift change is around 7:30 or 8:00 am, and his mom usually walks out with him to the bus. I don't remember seeing several people, I just remember seeing a person.

And here is my only issue with this situation: when is it safe to drive past a bus that carries special needs students?

Here are the facts based on my observations of the bus driver's habits:
The driver doesn't use the warning and stop lights appropriately unless she knows someone is watching.  How do I know this? Because I watched the bus for several weeks. Sometimes no lights are used at all, and I have video proof.

The bus is in front of the neighbors' house for anywhere between 7-15 minutes. Most buses can stop and load or unload passengers in under 2 minutes. (Yes, I timed T's bus for a while to compare and our stop is always under 45 seconds.)

Since the student across the street boards by ramp and the ramp is in the middle of the bus on the side I can't see, it's difficult to tell at a glance what part of the process he's in.

So for me, the obvious answer is to not drive past the bus or leave my driveway (since I can't back out of my driveway without overlapping where the bus is - and would that be considered passing since my vehicle is technically moving?) until the bus isn't there anymore.

Since then, I have been pretty lucky and we've needed to leave either before the bus got there or after it came and left.

This morning, however, we got in the car, opened the garage door.......and there was the bus across the street. Five minutes early.

Sigh.

So I back out into the driveway and am watching in my rear view mirror. When we pulled out, no lights were flashing, as soon as we were in the driveway, the yellow lights got turned on so I stayed put -- which I would have anyway after my discussion with my neighbor -- and then the red lights.

Right around this time, a black SUV comes up the street. It had to be pretty obvious that we were waiting on the bus to leave since a) at that point the red lights, stop sign, and arm were all happening b) the kids and I are sitting in a running vehicle, doing our best Linda Blair attempts to see behind us to what the bus was doing, and c) our neighbor was being pushed down the driveway to the bus in his wheelchair.

This black SUV slows down allllmost to a stop, and then passes the bus slowly.

Are you KIDDING me?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!!?

I admit, I'm still really upset whenever I think about the conversation with our neighbor about my passing the bus, no matter how sure I am that I didn't pass a bus with the stop lights and equipment going. And my being upset is allll about my being in the wrong. It's my responsibility as a mom, driver, and human being to pay attention to just such things. Period.

So when I saw that SUV pass the bus today, my jaw dropped. What in the hell could be so important that you risk the life of a kid? Not to mention that passing a stopped school bus carries the highest points for a DMV violation.

During the conversation with my neighbor, he mentioned there was a black SUV that routinely passed the stopped bus, which is why they were trying to get driver and vehicle info for any vehicle that passed it. At the time I wondered if maybe the SUV passed the bus when the lights and arms weren't being used. But after this morning, it's pretty obvious that it makes no difference to the driver. If she was running late, she had enough time to see the stopped bus, turn around in any of the empty driveways before getting to the bus, and go the other way because you can get out of our development going either direction. 

I just can't stop thinking about it. No wonder he was so ticked off when he came to talk to me. I have to admit I didn't really think that there would be anyone who knowingly, willingly, and intentionally passed a stopped, loading school bus but apparently there is.

Unbelievable.

Thankful Tuesday

Today, hands down, I'm thankful for sunshine. We had a pretty horrible storm blow through here Sunday night and while I love a good storm, I'm perfectly okay if it doesn't wake me up by sounding like it's going to shatter the windows and blow off the roof.

I'm also thankful for sunshine because when it's really sunny, I can see the chin hairs I need to pluck without actually having to stand in the backyard with a mirror and a pair of tweezers while dodging the kids. Tweezers, as it turns out, can be a force for good or evil.

I'm thankful for winter sunshine because it makes it simply seem warmer outside, and I look for any possible excuse to open up the sunroof and drown out the bickering in the backseat.

But most of all, I love sunshine because it just makes me happy to be alive. Well, as long as it's 75 degrees or cooler.