Thursday, December 3, 2015

I Make Myself Tired

I'm tired.  I mean, I am when-I-sit-down-and-get-still-I-fall-asleep tired. Every time I sit. Every. Time.  I've also been wanting ice, so I wonder if my iron level is low again. I wish they had a home testing kit for that, like the ones to check your blood sugar. Actually, I wish there was a device like in science fiction movies or series that could just scan you and tell you what was wrong. :beep beep beeep beeep: Your iron is low and you are not getting the required amount of rest. Please eat some spinach and take a short nap. Beeeep:

Of course I also wish I could just swallow a nutritional pill and not worry about eating because deciding when, what, how much of it and how often is frankly just about a full time job when I'm trying to eat clean. Which, yes, I am trying to do and which, yes, I am failling miserably this week.

Healthy motivated me: what's for breakfast?
Unhealthy unmotivated me: Cupcakes. Lots of 'em.
Healthy motivated me (HMM): no, no. That's not even a little acceptable.
Unhealthy unmotivated me (UUM): Fine. Then have some Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
HMM: What? No way! Protein, protein is what's for breakfast.
UMM: (snorts derisively) Girl, please. That means cooking and ain't nobody got time for that today!
HMM: Psh. It takes three minutes to cook an egg.
UMM: (in a singsong voice) But then you have to do diiiiiishes. If you eat pop tarts, there are no diiiiiishes.
HMM: Oh stop it! No pop tarts!
UMM: Chips?
HMM: NO! Stop it right now!
UMM: You know, there's probably some Halloween candy around here somewhere. OOORRRRRRR, you need to go to the store. You could just get yourself a little a Kit-Kat because you DESERVE a break. And maybe a Coke. You drink a lot of water, just drink more water today and flush that right outta your system.
HMM: Arggghhhhhhh! Shut up already!!!
UMM: You know what, it's already lunch time in Europe. You should just make a pizza. You could even make it a breakfast pizza if you are going to be a stickler about sticking to proper meals at proper times. Yuuuummmmm, pizzzzzaaaaaaa.
HMM: No, NO, NOOOO! No pizza, no soda, no candy, no junk. Stop trying to push me off the wagon already.
UMM: (Laughs heartily) Oh, that's cute. You think I'M pushing you off the wagon? You have been dangling off the wagon since you halfheartedly climbed on. Did you not have a burger for dinner last night? Hmmm?
HMM: Yes, I did have a burger. I eat well a large percentage of the time, I am allowed to have a burger from time to time.
UMM: How do you explain those fries, then?
HMM: Um...actually, that's a good point. The fries were unnecessary and a very bad decision.
UMM: (Smugly) See? You've already ruined this week. It's Thursday today, you may as well just eat whatever you want today and start fresh on Monday. You don't have to tell anyone. It will be our little secret. Come on, you know you want to.
HMM: Of course I want to! My relationship with food is unhealthy. Always has been. But I can do this. I am going to do this. No matter what you say or how much  you try to get me off track.
UMM: Keep telling yourself that. This conversation is not over, but it's boring me and now I'm tired. I'm going to take a nap. You should take a nap too. You know you aren't sleeping well at night. What time did you go to sleep last night? 2? 3? You should take a nap and then eat something good, something that will get you going, make you feel better.
HMM: Yes, like a protein. I will have almonds.
UMM: Sure. Have almonds. I'm sure you can eat a 'healthy' portion right out of the bag without over eating. At 200 calories an ounce, mind you. 200 calories. And that food isn't even a true handful.
HMM: I am counting them out. I have a plan.
UMM: So you say. So. You. Say.

On second thought, no wonder I'm tired. I'm fighting myself all day long. Good grief.


Diana Messer said...

As I am sitting here reading this I can feel my blood sugar dropping, because I didn't eat anything at all yesterday. I did have a rice crispy treat at midnight. I starve myself. It's a bad habit I picked up in my teenage years. You fight with yourself about what to eat, and I fight with myself to make myself eat. It wears on a person to have this struggle, and it's not healthy for either one of us. It's almost 11 am and I have not had a bite to eat, nor do I really want one except now I am feeling sick. Here is the conversation I have with myself. 7 am: To early to even think about food! Coffee I want coffee. 8 am: I really need to put some food on my stomach before I get a head ache. No, I am really just not hungry, but I want more coffee. 3 pm FUCK it's 3 and all I've had today is coffee and I have a headache, and I have to go to work. It's all good. I'll smoke a cigarette, grab a cheese slice from the deli at work and wait to eat with Brain after work. 9 pm pick at, or inhale whatever we get for dinner, and go to sleep wake up with heartburn and in the morning start the same thing all over again. We all battle with ourselves. You about what to eat, me about just getting food into my mouth. Poor Brian is skinny as a whippet and I think it's because of me. Now I feel horrible for sure.. I'm going back to bed now.

Brooke said...

Diana, there is very little that speaks to me more than this lately, "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."

Yet, we also need to be kind to ourselves - whether that takes the form of making sure you eat enough, don't eat too much, or eat healthier food versus junk. But who is telling us to be kind to ourselves? And how odd that we even need to be told to BE kind (whether it's to ourselves or someone else)? It seems like that should come naturally, but it sure doesn't seem to anymore. So I will keep trying to eat the right amount of the right things, and I will cheer you on as you do the same. :)

Thank you for reading and commenting! I miss our chats!