Confession and total honesty time: (ahem) Okay, so here goes.
No family is perfect. For sure, I'm not perfect. But--and I don't know if this is a southern thing or a gender thing or just a my family thing --I am sick to DEATH of double standards and guilt trips and completely unnecessary family drama.
Case in point - my brother and I have had an unusual? strained? difficult? on-and-off-again? relationship. Lots of bad blood. Lots of forgiving that needed to be done. We are as different as night and day, always have been, always will be. But family is family and other than who you marry, it's not like you can choose them. And, in trying to be a grownup, deal with emotional baggage, and blah blah blah I'm willing to do my fair share of forgiving and forgetting.
So, here's the current thing - my brother met, dated, and then married his wife right about the time we moved to Germany. Speaking bluntly, he was horrible to me as we were growing up. I am not exaggerating because even now people that knew both of us STILL comment on how mean he was to me when we were kids.(Those of you that read this blog, feel free to back me up in the comments section!) And I'm still resentful that when he was horrible, it seemed like everyone made excuses for him because our parents were divorced. That's a book that needs writing one day, but not today.
And let's focus on today. Today I am angry. I have been angry for way longer than is healthy for me, and I'm tired of being angry. I'm working hard NOT to be angry. Yet, I'm still angry. Here's why I'm angry: prior to our move to Germany, I feel I've done a decent job in putting the past behind me and moving forward. That included having a relationship with my brother. Since I was living in Germany when my brother got married, I started emailing his wife to get to know her. Electronically, we got along really well. Somehow we lost something in the translation of meeting in real life. I have no idea why or when or what, but from the time I met his wife and we didn't like each other nearly as well as when we emailed, they have both been taking nice, even steps backwards out of my life. Which is actually okay.
What is NOT okay is that even after all these years I'm still expected to be the one who does: does the communicating (and apparently it's fine to never reply to my emails), does the calling (which always seems to be awkward and forced), does the visiting (more on that in a sec), and does the kissing ass (self explanatory). Not to mention I'm supposed to be the one who's forgiving and understanding and accommodating. Harrumph!
For years, I did this. Even when I didn't want to. But in 2007 T and I were in NC for five months straight while I had S and we waited for her passport. Little effort was made to spend time with us. When we did see them, they were, frankly, impatient and intolerant with T. Granted, T was in a horrible phase, not being able to talk yet, highly frustrated and prone to temper tantrums as a result of that, and being out of sorts with the birth of S and being away from R and home and all things familiar. Every place we were had different rules, which were different from the rules at home. It was rough. My feelings got really hurt with some of the things that happened.
We finally got the passport and came back to Germany. From that point, there has been very, very, very little communication from them. I've made my peace with that. Since then, they've had a baby of their own. Still very little communication. Fine.
So now we are planning a trip back to the States. The purpose of this trip is to see the grandparents. Between R and I, there are four sets - two in NC, one in TN and one in OK. So we are flying over 5000 miles, driving over 1000 more in the course of a week, and then flying back 6000 more. I'm trying to divide the time as equally as I can between all the families, and it's stressful. I don't want anyone to get their feelings hurt, I don't want anyone to feel slighted or shafted or whatever-ed, yet so far it seems like just about everyone feels that way.
I asked Mom not to mention our coming to my brother because I didn't want to be guilted into driving the 50 or however many miles away he lives now. I'd know for sure if he'd bothered to give me his new address, but he didn't. Besides, they've shown absolutely no interest in me, my family, or how we're doing. When R got deployed, I heard nothing from them the entire time. He did manage to call Mom 3 times on her birthday when she was visiting while R was deployed which tells me that he simply doesn't want to call us. Then again, there's no law that says he has to.
The last email and phone conversation I had with Mom, she not only told him we were coming, she's pushing for us to get together. Which if I see him, it will be out of guilt - whether he comes to see us or we go to see him. So, why bother? He and Dad have been on the outs for whatever reason for a while now and from time to time I wonder if that's part of the reason of whatever's wrong since Dad and I are not on the outs. Who knows? Who has the energy to keep up with it? Why does everything have to be so difficult?
What I'd really love to do is ask and get an honest answer. If I've done anything to hurt or offend him, I'd like the opportunity to apologize. But from previous attempts and experiences, I know exactly how that's going to go, and it's not well. I guess this means I won't get a chance to know their daughter, either, which is a shame and makes me sad.
Compared to the problems that so many other people are having right now, this is pretty insignificant. I'm so blessed in so many ways and I'm grateful for the wonderful life I have. Maybe that's the key to releasing the anger. It's certainly worth a try.
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