So, in the spirit of keeping it real, here is our absolutely, positively what-really-happened-this-year Christmas letter showcasing all our dysfunctional glory. No doubt we are going to offend someone, so we apologize in advance and suggest that just maybe you shouldn't read any further. We'll insert a cute pic of the kiddies to distract you while we continue with our snark. Love ya, mean it.
Merry Christmas to all our friends and family! Oh, wait, that's not PC anymore.
ahem...
Happy Holidays to all our friends and family!
We had a big year! Starting with the good news first - we added to our family this year! S was born in early spring and smart kid that she's shaping up to be, she fought being born tooth and nail. I, who have established that I have a slight control freak issue, showed S who was boss and scheduled a c-section when I wanted her born. She responded by requiring two people to pull her out. Can you imagine what would have happened if I'd waited for her to decide to be born? I'd still be pregnant.
T, who refused to acknowledge in any way that he had a baby sister coming, adjusted really well to her existence. Of course, if you considered that he hit his terrible twos (more on this later) at the beginning of the year, it was kind of hard to tell because any pause at all in the screaming and tantrums was immediately noted as great behavior and very positively reinforced. (p.s. thanks to Marci for the travel tips - ooooh boy! they work!!)
I decided to have the baby in NC for a variety of reasons, including the chance to see friends and family. R's parents were able to come and see the baby without flying over the ocean and back. However, I have to say, staying with mom and her husband while greatly appreciated, seemed like I was back in junior high. Out of the kid raising business (or so they hoped) Mom and her husband were a little - no, a lot - overwhelmed with all the changes and activity. They were very gracious, but let's just say we were all much happier when I finally left. The proof is in the pudding when she says how much she misses the kids - oh, and me too of course. I'm not sure she's quite recovered. Again, see the later section on temper tantrums to understand. And NC is NOT the place to be without a car of your own.
R was able to come for the birth and as he puts it - he saw waaaaaaay more of me that he ever cared to. Hey, he chose to look. It ain't pretty like in the movies. But now we are a foursome and life is good. And we have a LOT of frequent flier miles. Two or three million more and we might get an extra coke. Each. Wooooo!
Now for the bad stuff. (Admit it, you are dying to know). Oh good lord, the tantrums. I guess that there must have been a surge of estrogen since I was having a girl, because I cried more during this pregnancy than I have in my entire life. Between the hot flashes and the moodiness, I would have sworn I started menopause if I hadn't seen the ultrasound to prove I was actually pregnant. (And, sorry if this is TMI - but a very sarcastic thanks to the military that prescribed the crappy birth control pills) I also owe some apologies due to my spectacular bitchiness both during and directly after my pregnancy. I'd name names, but frankly, it's easier, shorter, and quicker to apologize to the entire world. Me - "Sorry for being bitchy" World - "Whateva!"
As I mentioned before, T started his terrible twos in January. I can pinpoint the second, truth be told. I was in the lab taking my glucose test when T decided to throw the mother of all fits. To this day, I can't tell you why. But he screamed and cried and hit and flailed about. Now, in any other situation I'd have hauled his misbehaving butt out of there, but I couldn't leave because of the stupid glucose test. So the entire building and perhaps the next three or four could probably hear the screaming. Defying my orders to sit and wait in the lab, I eventually hauled him off to the sitters, praying that my blood pressure would go down enough before they drew blood to avoid a vein blowout. Walking back in, toddler-less, I hear the techs talking about us to other patients. (Cough*unprofessional*Cough) By the way, they would have beat his ass and GIVEN him something to cry about. Oh, and I just sat there and did nothing. Yeah, imagine the HORROR of not beating the crap out of my kid because I don't want to teach him to hit when he's angry. THEN - they realize I'm baaaaaaaaaaack and haul their sorry butts into the lab room and no one wants to take my blood. This, of course does nothing for my BP or my temperament. So when the tech that was doing all the side car parenting finally decided to help me (it didn't hurt that I pressed and held the buzzer after they didn't come out when 10 minutes went by) she had the nerve to say that she felt so bad for me and wished there was something she could do to help.
Now, in my mind I am handing this calmly and cooly and I mentally reply, "Really? You wouldn't have taken a two year old into the bathroom and beaten him until he stopped crying, you sorry b**ch?!?" In reality, I got "Really?" out and then burst into tears when I said the rest -only I left the sorry b**ch part out cause she WAS sticking a needle in my arm and I'm not quite that stupid. Or rude, actually.
Unfortunately, this was only the tip of the tantrum iceberg. On our way back to the US, T screamed, cried, or a combination of the two for at least five hours of the eight hour flight. He smacked the flight attendant when she tried to help, so we went thirsty and were avoided (understandably) for the rest of the flight. The poor guy sitting behind R balled up his napkin and stuffed that into his ears, put pillows over each ear, practically wrapped the blanket around that, and then put his coat over him to quell the noise. I don't think it worked. It was so bad that on their way out, the passengers instead of seeming angry with us, patted us in sympathy. This, of course, just made us feel worse. To add insult to injury, T blew kisses at everyone on the way out and gave them a cheerful "'bye!!!!" I am still shocked that we are allowed to fly that airline and that we weren't kicked out over the ocean without parachutes. SO embarrassing! As are the countless times we've pulled him out of the BX, Commissary and various other public places. And let's not even go into the toilet training thing.
Onto S's strong personality traits - this girl is SERIOUS about her food. She refuses to eat baby food if we are eating something she wants, which is whatever we are eating. She loves to put everything in her mouth, so not only do I need to keep the floors free from even the tiniest specks of anything, she will try and bite your finger off if you attempt to pull anything out of her mouth. And then she laughs about it. Uh oh. She also screams non stop when she's tired of being in her car seat. The average this week is 15 minutes before the vocal sirens begin. But her favorite thing is to smile and giggle to lure you close to her and then spit up all over whatever clean item of clothing you had the gall to put on. I think R's record for shirt changes in one day is seven.
We've done some short trips since S's birth. We've been to Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg and some cities in Germany within a couple hours drive. The consistent thing is that we are going to get lost - with or without directions, maps, or the assistance of some really nice locals. Anytime we go near Liege, Belgium, we not only end up lost but end up lost in the same freakin' area. And the only reason we know it's the same area is because it has a Pizza Hut and the Belgian version of a Food Lion. You'd think that between the two of us (considering you can literally drop R in the middle of the woods with a compass and a poncho and he can McGyver his way home) that we could pull it together and figure it all out, but nooooooooooooo. We are hoping that 2008 brings us better navigational luck, but we aren't holding our breath. And anyway, the journey is half the fun, right? Well, if S isn't screaming and T's not kicking the back of the seat and they've had a decent nap and are fed, watered and entertained... oh who am I kidding - these road trips can really suck.
So! That about wraps it up for this year. Belive me, I have more but I think I've painted a pretty clear picture. Wishing all of our friends and family a wonderful holiday season and a joyous New Year. May you all have the lives you wrote about in your holiday letters - and please email me and tell me how to do it :)
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